Therapy for People Who Feel “Different”
I often work with people who have carried a pervasive sense of being “different” from other people in some important way. People in the LGTBQ community are usually familiar with this kind of experience, as are people who are bi-racial, bi-cultural or neurodivergent. Feeling different than most people isn’t limited to people who belong to minority demographic groups, however. Sometimes people gained a sense of being different from other people because of certain childhood experiences—moving frequently, having a parent who has mental illness or a substance use disorder, having parents who are divorced or separated, having endured neglect or mistreatment, and other types of childhood experiences can lead people to carry a feeling of “difference” from others. Sometimes, people aren’t clear on why they feel so unlike other people—they just know that they do.
For many people, feeling “different” isn’t all bad. Some people are proudly “outsiders” who value their own unusual perspectives and interests. They feel that they have something interesting or special to offer the world. Or they appreciate the very aspects of themselves that other people find strange. Some people who feel themselves to be “different” from most have found their community. They’ve managed to sort through the masses and find a handful of proud weirdos very much like themselves. Other people are still searching for a place where they fit in. And some people have had such bad experiences with not fitting in, that they’ve mostly given up. These people generally find themselves more isolated than they want to be.
Even when people are proud of the way that they are different, they have generally had some very painful experiences around difference at some point in their lives. As children they may have been bullied by other kids or by their own family members. They may have learned to hide important parts of who they are. They’re often familiar with experiences of loneliness and of being misunderstood. As kids, they may have found company and comfort in books or other media where they were able to find representations of people who seemed more like themselves.
As adults, these people are often concerned with issues of inclusion or exclusion. Since they know what it is like to be painfully excluded from social groups, they are not eager to repeat those experiences. As a result, they may carefully monitor other people and groups from a safe distance before opening up. Conversely, they may boldly forge forth in social situations, with the knowledge that some people won’t like them, and adopt a “take it or leave it” attitude. These people may look especially hard for people who are more like themselves. Or they may try to find people who are especially open-minded or especially kind.
People who feel themselves to be different from most people come to therapy for a variety of reasons. They are sometimes looking for help finding a greater sense of belonging or more at ease with themselves. They are sometimes looking for help getting un-depressed. They are sometimes looking for support in improving relationships with their families or other important people in their lives. They may want help healing from painful childhood experiences. They are sometimes puzzling over how to build community and are looking for support in this endeavor.
If you are someone whom has felt a pervasive sense difference in some important way, and you are looking for a therapist, I encourage you to contact me. I have found that I can often be helpful to people for whom this is a common experience. You can schedule a free initial phone consultation here. If you have a question you would like answered before scheduling the initial phone consultation, you can email me here, call me at 415-261-2989 or send me a text. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.